Miss Manners: Whose fault is this distressing situation with my pants?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was riding in the passenger seat of my husband's car and after a few minutes noticed something wet in my seat.

It turns out I had sat on a packet of bleach disinfectant wipes and they had been leaking. This ruined my favorite pair of jeans.

Maybe I should be more careful, but when someone rides in my car, I always make a point to clear the passenger seat before they take a seat. I don't think it should be on them to clear out any clutter because they’re my car guest.

Is there an etiquette rule for this?

GENTLE READER: Two, in fact. Don't trap your guests (by offering them damp seats). And don't complain when your guest falls into a trap of your own making (sitting on the takeout you left under your sweater on the front seat).

Actually, there are three rules, if you count the proper response, which is, "Would you like me to throw this out for you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With increasing frequency, I have had some awkward encounters with persons whose gender is not readily obvious to me.

These encounters range from children of acquaintances to new hires at work or prospective new hires, and local neighborhood people of varying ages.

At some point in casual conversation, I often hear someone offering up the information that they are trans. Herein lies the confusion. What is the proper response on my part?

It feels invasive and inappropriate to ask this someone, "What are your pronouns?" Furthermore, it is often difficult through conversation and observation to make an accurate assessment of exactly what gender they have now transitioned to.

Is it ever appropriate to simply ask, "What gender do you identify as?"

GENTLE READER: "Invasive" suggests you would be intruding, but you were not the one who raised this subject. Miss Manners suggests you ask, "How do you wish to be addressed?" as it shows respect without inviting further confessions of an intimate nature.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it necessary to say please and thank you with everything you do?

My daughter says that I am rude. She said that at our recent family party, I was very rude. She said that I didn't say please and thank you when I was probably helping my sister with dinner and was asking for an item.

I asked my sister about it, and she said she didn't notice any rudeness. I have asked my friends, whom I see quite often, if they thought I was rude. They said no.

My daughter also says that I’m rude when I say something that she doesn't like or agree with.

GENTLE READER: Your last sentence makes Miss Manners think that this is not about rudeness, but you may tell your daughter that while courtesies are important, even — or especially — to relatives, an occasional omission over the course of a long evening is not a casus belli.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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